


Head Full, Thoughts Unwanted

by himboalfred



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Canon Universe, Crack, Humor, M/M, Mind Reading, Minor Austria/Hungary (Hetalia), Minor France/Spain, Minor Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Minor Onesided Spain/Romano, Minor Prussia/Romano, more characters and ships to be added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:01:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himboalfred/pseuds/himboalfred
Summary: After stabbing his toaster with a knife, America finds himself able to read other people's minds.
Relationships: America/England (Hetalia)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 114





	1. America the Wise

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be fun. :)

America had never really believed in magic and superpowers, as surprising as that may sound. Although he loved to dream of a world where he could be an all powerful superhero, he knew it sadly wasn’t possible, even with their modern advances in technology. In fact, America doubted there’d ever be the existence of a meta human genetic that would allow the world to actually have superheroes. 

God, he really needs to stop playing the old _Avengers_ game nearly naked on an empty stomach. It was making him have way more philosophical thoughts than he ever desired to have. Ignorance is blitz, or so they say. 

Blinking himself out of a daze, America looked at the alarm clock on his dresser, and winced at the time that flashed back at him. He was meeting with a few of the guys for brunch, since everyone was back in town for another world meeting. How exciting.

America turned off his playstation and scratched his bare stomach as he stood up. He had a half hour to get showered and eat a snack before brunch if he wanted to make it on time. 

“Hm… Food or shower first?” America asked out loud, then laughed at the absurdity of his own question. “Duh. Food.”

The national anthem began loudly playing from his phone speakers, and America sighed to himself as he grabbed it. “Yo, Jones speaking.”

“That was almost a respectful greeting, congrats Al,” Canada teased from the other line, and America immediately perked up at the sound of his brother.

“Hey dude, what’s up?” America asked as he jogged downstairs. “You’re gonna be at brunch, right?”

“Just calling to make sure you’re actually awake. And yes, I am. I’m already on my way there because some of us like being on time,” Canada snarked.

America rolled his eyes and began rummaging through his kitchen drawers.

His kitchen was surprisingly neat and clean, though there were a few dirty dishes in the sink. Really, it’s only America’s bedroom that looked like a tornado had torn through once and gone back for seconds. He just liked playing basketball by throwing his clothes into his hamper and he wasn’t the best shot. “Who else is gonna be there again?”

“Just us two, Gilbert, Feliciano, and Lovino,” Canada answered. 

America hummed in response, and grabbed the s’mores poptart box from inside his cabinet. He opened up one of the packets and popped the two into his toaster oven, setting the timer. “Nice. Surprised Feli’s allowed to go anywhere without his ball and chain.”

Canada huffed out a laugh, then quickly stopped himself. “Shut up Al. That could be you and a certain someone if you weren’t such a wimp.”

“Matt, I’m gonna punch the shit outta you when I see you,” America promised, and this time his brother laughed freely.

“I’m sure you will.” There was a moment of silence, then Canada continued, “What topic are you talking about tomorrow?”

“Obesity. I’m sure Germany gave it to me as a fuck you,” America said with a snort. Unlucky for the stern blond, however, because America was totally in shape right now. He proudly patted his muscular abdomen for no one to see.

These poptarts were just a moment's weakness. Come on, who could resist them?

“Please tell me you have something prepared,” Canada practically begged. 

America held the phone between his ear and shoulder as he watched the toaster, and grabbed a plate with his newly freed hand. “Mattie, c’mon. Of course I have something prepared. Have you ever heard of a walk-thru?”

“Oh maple,” Canada muttered.

“Just you wait till my presentation, bro. Obesity is gonna be a goner when I set this plan in motion!” America said happily, and a soft ding sounded from the toaster.

“What was that?” Canada asked.

“My poptarts!” America grinned, and reached out with his right hand to grab one of the exposed pastries. He winced at the slight burn and dropped it back into the toaster, where it fell deeper than it had originally popped up. “Shit, that’s hot.”

“We are literally going to eat brunch in twenty-five minutes,” Canada deadpanned. 

“Yeah, yeah.” America ignored him and grabbed a clean knife near the sink. “Anyways, whaddya think of my idea? Awesome right?”

“Well, it’s definitely an idea. I just think that–”

While Canada was speaking, America made the smart decision to shove the knife into the still plugged in and active toaster in an attempt to get the sunken poptart. As one could expect, the toaster exploded with a loud noise and a white light, and America screamed in pain as he fell backwards, dropping his phone as an electrical spasm travelled up his body and he twitched violently.

“AL? What happened?” Canada asked in a panicked tone, though it went unheard. America writhed on the floor as he clutched his right arm to his chest, a searing heat burning up his arm. His ears were ringing from the explosion, and he groaned. 

America cursed quietly and shakingly reached for his phone. “Matt, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Despite his brother’s pleas to stay on the phone, America hung up. He glanced down at his arm and winced at the bright red marks. However, there was one long, white scar leading up his forearm that looked like a jagged lightning bolt. 

“Huh. That’s kinda cool,” America murmured. He was never one to view the glass half empty, and if his stupid experience caused him to get a dope scar, who was he to complain? America knew he had to get the burn under cold water and wrap the tender skin, so he could kill two birds with one stone by taking an ice cold shower.

He slowly made his way upstairs towards his bathroom, carefully holding his injured arm against his chest. America’s lip wobbled, but he willed himself not to cry. Fergie wrote a song about this, dammit. Big boys don’t cry.

With his burns under the cold water, America sighed in relief. He knew this pleasure was only temporary, but thankfully his body healed abnormally fast. By tomorrow, nothing should be left.

After washing his body and hair, making sure to take extra precaution with his arm, America turned off the cold water and stepped out of the shower. He slid open his bathroom cabinet and grabbed his med kit, then took out gauze. He masterfully wrapped his arm, and headed towards his room to get dressed. 

He settled on loose jeans and a Supreme t-shirt. If he wore anything with long sleeves, he knew the burn would get irritated by the added heat.

As America drove to the restaurant, he tried to come up with a better story than “I stuck a knife in my toaster because I was hungry and impatient.” 

•••

Upon arrival, America opened the door to the restaurant and immediately clutched his arm at the sudden pain. The entire car ride was pleasant, but for some reason as soon as he entered the enclosed space the burned limb began to tingle and throb with pins and needles.

“Hey bastard! Nice of you to finally show up!”

America glanced away from the small tables in the front and looked towards the back, where he spotted Romano waving him down. He ignored the weird feeling on his forearm and grinned at the four nations sitting in a booth. 

“Sorry for the wait, dudes,” America said as he walked over to them, and held up his bandaged arm. “Got a little caught up.”

“Alfred, what happened to you?” Canada asked, concern evident. “It sounded like a bomb went off.”

“Uh, my toaster malfunctioned because of the awesomeness of s’mores poptarts, so it blew up and I got in the crossfire,” America explained as he sat down next to Canada. Across from him was Prussia, Italy, and Romano. It was quiet for a moment, until Prussia nodded.

“Happened to me once. Sorry ‘bout your poptarts, Meri!” Prussia said, and Italy nodded with him.

“Glad you’re okay, Alfredo,” Italy said with a smile, and America beamed at the nickname. The tiny brunette was adorable.

 _I bet he stuck a knife in the toaster,_ a quiet voice said.

America gasped, then turned to face Canada, completely shocked. “Dude, how’d you know?” he whispered, as the other three discussed the menu and options.

“Know what?” Canada whispered back, raising an eyebrow.

“Just be quiet about it. I don’t want anyone knowing I did that.” America gave Canada a look, but the violet eyed nation looked even more confused.

“But I didn’t–” Canada tried to argue, but America glared at him and mimed zipping his lips. Knowing how scary his brother could be when he wanted to, Canada sighed and stayed silent.

_Whatever. At least he forgot about wanting to punch me for the England comment…_

America punched Canada’s shoulder, and laughed at his twin’s wince. America shook his head with a smirk, how stupid was Canada to literally remind America to punch him? And people call _him_ the dumb one.

He picked up the menu in front of him and raised it to his face. He read over the brunch options, brow furrowed in concentration. Picking a meal is a commitment, and he wanted to make sure he picked the best available option.

“Hi, folks!” a waitress said, approaching their booth with a cheerful expression and a notepad. “I’m Vanessa and I’ll be your server for today. What drinks can I get you started with? I recommend the mimosa, it pairs nicely with our brunch options.”

_Wow, these are the hottest guys I’ve ever tabled for._

America blinked and looked up from his menu, glancing at Vanessa and then at the rest of the nations. None of them seemed to care about what she had just said, even though Prussia lived for people complimenting him. What the hell?

“I’ll take a beer, none of that cheap shit you Americans like to serve,” Prussia said, and looked up with a wink at the woman. “We’re also ready to order, ‘cuz I’m starving. I’ll have the chicken and waffles.”

_Holy shit, this guy never left his emo phase. I remember when I used to wear colored contact lenses in middle school._

America snorted, quickly biting his lip to hold back a laugh. He looked at Vanessa and saw her writing Prussia’s order diligently, then glanced at Prussia, who still had a smirk on his face. Did he seriously not hear the lady’s diss at him?

“Bloody Mary for me, and I’ll take the vegetable omelette with extra diced tomatoes and hashbrowns on the side,” Romano said, and placed his menu on top of Prussia’s towards the edge of the table. 

“Pancakes for me, and an orange juice,” Canada ordered politely. 

“Can I get a sangria please? Also I’d like to have your smoked salmon on avocado toast! That sounds pretty yummy,” Italy said with a bright smile, and Vanessa smiled back at him.

“The white sangria, or red?” _This guy is so adorable. I might just have to pull a cliche and leave my number on the check._

America wondered if Vanessa knew how lucky she was that Germany hadn’t come, and finally placed his menu down. He decided to go with something light, maybe it was a sign from someone above to keep up the good work on his weight loss and not eat those sugary poptarts. 

“What do you think I should get fratello? Bianco o rosso?” Italy asked Romano, and the angry Italian rolled his eyes. 

_He’s lucky I love him, because I fucking can’t stand his indecisiveness._

America looked over to Romano, surprised to hear an open confession of any sort of affection from the man.

“Feli, non mi interessa. Scegli il rosso,” Romano answered, and Italy nodded happily.

“Good idea! I’ll have the red sangria, please,” Italy said.

America watched Vanessa as she wrote down Italy’s order, and kept his eyes on her face. Something weird was going on, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it. As Vanessa looked up from her paper, her eyes widened at the sight of America.

 _This guy has the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, whoa._

America heard her loud and clear. But her lips didn’t move at all. Which should be impossible, but America knew what he heard and saw. He smiled weakly, and kept his eyes on her mouth. “Heya, Miss. I’ll take one of the mimosa’s, and a steak with eggs. Medium-rare.”

_I definitely have to leave my number._

Once again, her lips didn’t move. She wrote America’s order with a hum, then smiled at all of them as she looked up. “I’ll be out in just a moment with your drinks.” Her eyes lingered on Italy and America, and she walked away with a swing in her hips.

 _Surprised America’s fatass didn’t order burgers,_ Romano’s voice rang clearly in his head, and America quickly turned to look at the man in question. The brunette was studying him carefully. _Maybe we’ve been too harsh on him with the name calling. I’ll stop._

America felt like he was going to hyperventilate. All of a sudden, it was as if the volume in the small restaurant increased tenfold. 

_Alfie doesn’t look good at all. I should make him spaghetti tonight, it always cheers me up!_ Italy smiled at him and placed his hand on top of America’s own, squeezing comfortingly.

 _I knew he was more injured than he let on._ From America’s peripheral, he could see Canada looking at his arm, then at his face. _He looks like he’s going to be sick._

 _I need that babe’s number. Chick’s a total hottie._ America watched as Prussia grinned at Vanessa, who was busy talking with her fellow staff, gesturing to their table. 

There was no doubt in America’s mind. His s’mores poptart had graciously bestowed upon him the ability to hear other people’s thoughts as if they were speaking out loud.

Or maybe it was the electrical explosion caused by the knife he stuck in the toaster. That sounded way more plausible. America took a deep breath and tried to ignore the incoming headache from the loud inner monologues of his companions, and thought carefully about his precarious situation.

He could totally use this gift to his advantage. This kind of thing only happened in his favorite movies! Mind reading is a legit superpower. 

With a newfound confidence, America leaned back in the booth and casually crossed his arms over his chest, smirking. 

This was gonna be awesome.

•••

So, that was a fucking lie.

Halfway through brunch, America felt that throb in his arm again. And suddenly, he could hear _everyone_ in the restaurant’s inner thoughts. He heard all about how Brad was two timing Michelle with Jamasia, how Vanessa was debating between giving her number to either himself or Italy (and the scandalous thought of a threesome, seriously this woman had America flushing up to his ears in embarrassment), and even about how the bartender thought his “twinky” twin brother was a cutie. That one was kinda funny.

It quickly became unbearable, and without finishing his meal America bolted from the restaurant, ignoring his name being called from his friends. Once onto the sidewalk, everything went blank for a moment. America sighed in relief, subconsciously grabbing his arm and pulling it to his chest as he crouched down in the middle of the sidewalk. 

_Poor guy must be homeless._ America looked up in surprise to see a man holding out a dollar bill with a kind smile.

And just like that, everything turned back on as if a flip was switched. America’s mind was flooded with every single thought from every single person on the sidewalks and streets. He gripped his forehead and backed away from the man, making a run for his parked car.

 _Maybe he’s having a mental break,_ the man mused and America groaned. This guy had no idea how right he actually was.

America made it into his car and quickly pushed the button to start it, falling back into his seat as he panted. Thankfully, all was quiet. He forewent turning on his radio, still feeling an excruciating headache from the onslaught he had suffered in the restaurant and on the sidewalk.

He drove to his house, mulling over his options. America definitely didn’t want to get rid of this power he’d been gifted, he could still totally use it to spy on people. He grimaced as he thought about the meeting tomorrow. What the heck was he gonna do about that? There’d be a lot of nations in that room, and just thinking about it made him wince at the volume he’d have to bear with. 

_Or… I could practice right now and become an awesome mind reader like Professor X._

America grinned at the thought, and gripped his steering wheel with determination. He wasn’t gonna let a superpower slip from his fingers just because it made him pop a few more advil pills than usual.


	2. Alfred the Nosy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> America learns more than he ever wanted to know about his fellow nations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you may have noticed I changed the rating from T to M. Well, our erotic ambassador forced my hand in that!  
> Check out this awesome art made by an amazing artist because of this fic!! (Check out all their other stuff too, it's all beautiful!)
> 
> Also I have an amazing beta now! Send her usuk fic some love here as well as their tumblr, @gurotalia! Big shoutout to them, ily <3 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's complete crack, and I'm not sorry.

America practiced all night long. Okay, that sentence sounded weird and if France heard him he’d definitely be making a sexual innuendo, but that wasn’t what America meant. He took a walk to the park later that evening after a short nap, assuming it’d be less crowded. Thankfully, his assumption was correct.

America sat on a bench, holding a double chocolate chip frappe in one hand and his phone in the other. He was trying to be inconspicuous, because he had enough social awareness to recognize how weird it was to sit alone at night in a park and stare at people.

A man jogged by with his dog, and America’s head was completely empty when he tried focusing on the animal. However, he heard loud and clear all about the recent sports game and how absolutely livid the man was. The next was a group of women, and America found it slightly difficult to focus on just one at first, so all five of their inner monologues clouded his mind. He couldn’t tell who was who, but once he fully concentrated on the short girl with dyed purple hair, all other voices faded to become background noise and hers was the most prominent in his mind. She was thinking of the new _Invader Zim_ movie, which was on America’s watchlist.

America grinned in triumph, causing them to walk faster past him.

 _Weirdo,_ all five seemed to think at once. America pouted at their backsides, and took a long sip from his frappe. His phone began vibrating, and America immediately answered.

“Sup. Jones here, making your day a little better,” America said.

“You sound stupid,” Romano’s voice came through loud and clear. America stared at his phone in concentration, trying to get a read on the shorter man’s thoughts. “Uh, hello? Idiot, did you hang up on me?”

“Sorry Lovi. What’s up?” America asked, frowning. Why couldn’t he read Romano’s mind? Maybe it was the reception in the park.

“I was just.” The other man coughed, and took a moment to gather his thoughts. America pressed his lips together and tried once more to get a read. Nothing. “I was calling to ask if you’re feeling better. You looked really shaken up at the restaurant.” 

America smiled slightly, cradling the phone to his ear. “Aw, Romano! You care about me?”

“O-Of course I don’t! Dumbass!” Romano sputtered, and America chuckled at the obvious lie. He didn’t need mind reading abilities to tell that. “The potato bastard would have a fit if you missed tomorrow’s meeting cause you did something stupid. That’s all!”

“I’m sure,” America said, still smiling. “I’m feeling a lot better, man. Thank you.”

There was a pregnant pause. America raised an eyebrow and pulled his phone away from his ear, checking his reception and to see if Romano had hung up. He hadn’t. 

“You’re welcome,” Romano said so quietly America could’ve missed it had he not been straining to still read Romano’s mind. “Ugh, don’t make me have sappy moments!”

America grinned, happy to hear a typical Romano response. “I’ll catch ya tomorrow, dude.” With that, he hung up on Romano and went back to people watching, trying to get a hang on how to fully focus on one person’s mind, without any background noise. 

Hours later, when America finally decided to leave the park, he was confident in three things. 

He definitely couldn’t read the minds of animals, he was unable to read anyone’s minds over the phone (which he was able to confirm when England had called to check on him for because Canada’s a loudmouth), and he could never fully escape the hushed voices in his head that came with large gatherings of people, which was once again proven by the numerous friend groups that had walked past him. 

America recycled his empty Starbucks cup and practically skipped the entire way back to his house. He had a big day tomorrow, and he couldn’t wait.

•••

The next morning, America was the first one at the meeting. Shocker, right? Though it may seem like it with America being responsible for once, it wasn’t the end of the world. He has his reasoning.

If America was late, like he usually preferred to be, the room would already be crowded with nations and he’d suffer an extreme headache, as well as be unable to focus on a cluster like he had been practicing. By showing up first, he was able to have some peace of mind and _hopefully_ focus on the others one by one as they piled in.

America swirled around in his chair as he waited. Who should he set his sights on? As he mulled over the numerous countries that would have the best gossip, the door opened. 

Germany walked in, whistling to himself. He stopped once he noticed the lights in the room were on, and looked at America in surprise. “Guten Morgen, Alfred. I didn’t realize anyone would be here.” _Well, I didn’t think YOU of all people would be here._

America smirked at the inner dialogue, and shrugged casually. “I just wanted to see what it felt like to be on time for once,” he said, and Germany nodded with a small smile. It was stiff as hell, but hey, a smile from the big guy. America never thought anyone besides Feliciano was graced with one of those.

Germany sat down towards the front of the large oval table, and took out his phone. America groaned internally, wishing he could turn off his mind reading powers. He could already guess what the blond would be thinking, boring emails and global issues and other lame stuff.

_How do I private the notes app?_

America raised an eyebrow at that. Okay, that was a little out of the ordinary. But, he reasoned to himself, maybe Ludwig just didn’t want anyone knowing his secret weapons plans. America could absolutely understand that.

_I don’t want Gilbert finding my BDSM folder again. He gave me hell last time._

America could absolutely NOT understand that. He stared wide eyed at the German, whose sole concentration was his phone. There had to be a mistake here, maybe his powers were malfunctioning?

_The CBT stuff was just embarrassing, schiesse. I was just curious, and Feli wanted to look into it…_

OH MY GOD. America coughed loudly, and Germany finally glanced up from his phone, looking worried.

_Does he know? Gott, I sound stupid. How would he even have an inkling? It’s Alfred, he just wants attention._

“Sorry for ignoring you, I was just… Sorting through notes for the meeting,” Germany explained, and placed the device face down. America stared at the incriminating phone, not knowing if he wanted to laugh or cry. “Is there something you needed, Alfred?”

America floundered for an answer, still reeling from what he had just learned, but was thankfully saved by some nations walking into the meeting room. 

The relief was not long lasting, because as more and more entered, America’s arm began to tingle and his head filled with voices. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. He could control this, he had to.

“Bonjour Amerique!” France greeted, and sat across from him. America smiled in response, and inwardly celebrated. Francis was friends with practically everyone, so America could focus on him for now and get some good gossip as he drowned the other voices out. 

“Hey Franceypants, long time no see. How ya been?” America asked conversationally, staring intently at the other man with a charming smile. C’mon France, think up some good drama!

 _Lonely._ “I’m quite alright, you seem to be in good spirits,” France said with a chuckle. America’s smile immediately fell after the one word response France had thought, and he stayed quiet. Francis Bonnefoy, lonely? Surely he must’ve misheard. 

Spain walked into the room with Romano and Italy, and France’s attention was immediately on the trio, though very subtle. He spared them a quick glance, then looked back to America. _I miss Tonio. It’s a shame he broke things off for his dear Lovino, who’s been hooking up with Gilbert for years now…_

America bit his cheek to not outwardly gasp. There was the drama he was looking for! Wow, Spain dumped France because of a crush on Romano? That was pretty juicy, he wondered what Prussia thought of his best friend wanting his boo thang. Wait a minute, didn’t Prussia think about asking for Vanessa’s number yesterday? What a little jerk! America should smack him for Lovino.

“America, you’re here early,” a voice said, snapping America out of his daze. 

He looked to his left, and smiled at Japan. “Hey, Kiku! I told you, you can call me Alfred bro. We’re buddies.”

America quickly shifted his full concentration onto Japan, and was able to successfully maintain the other nation’s thoughts as muffled background noise. He was getting the hang of this!

“I was wondering if you were busy this weekend?” Japan asked. _I need someone to test this new 3D tentacle game on, and Yao threatened me last time I sprung it on him._

“W-What?” America’s voice cracked, much to his dismay. He cleared his throat and laughed extra loud to hide his misstep. “I mean, uh. I gotta get back to you on that one, Keekz.” 

Japan nodded and gave America a small smile before he walked to his seat, and America continued watching him. Fortunately, Japan didn’t seem to think anything of America’s embarrassing voice crack, with his thoughts only being _Maybe I’ll have to ask Heracles. He’s so pretty…_

Hah. Japan had a crush on the dude that owned fifty cats and slept all day. That was a laugh. 

“Now that England’s finally here, we can start,” Germany announced, and America snapped his head up to look at the front of the room. He watched as England gave Germany a sheepish smile and rushed towards the last empty seat, the one right next to America. “So,” Germany started, and America immediately felt a considerable drop in voices in his head. Wow, do that many people actually pay attention? Could never be him.

“Never thought I’d see the day I was here before you,” America teased quietly.

“Oh, shut up,” England muttered without any bite, and set his notebook and pen on the table. He looked at America, immediately honing in on the sliver of scar showing on his forearm. “What the bloody hell happened to you?” _Is he okay? Is this what Matthew was talking about?_

America quickly tugged his jacket sleeve down to cover it. “Nothin’, I’m good.” 

England frowned, and placed his hand on America’s wrist. _Why won’t he talk to me? He has to know I care about him…_ “Alfred, you know you can tell me anything, right? Were you attacked?” _We’ve been close allies for nearing a century. Does that mean nothing?_

America felt his ears heat up. Arthur cared about him? “I–”

_AHHHHHHH! THEY’RE WHISPERING TO EACH OTHER! AMERICA’S BLUSHING! ENGLAND’S HAND IS ON AMERICA’S ARM!_

America winced as the feminine voice screamed in his head. He looked around, not noticing England’s look of concern. Finally, he noticed Hungary’s eyes on both him and England, and her phone was posed in a way that she was definitely taking pictures. _Wait until I send these to Kiku…_

_Is it wrong to find guns sexy? I think I have a problem._

America had to bite his lip in order to hold back a laugh that threatened to spill out. Hearing the familiar strict, Swiss voice say that was almost too much to bear. He could feel England’s gaze burning into the side of his skull, so he shot the man a winning grin and placed a hand on his knee, squeezing. This resulted in another ear piercing internal scream from Hungary, and a wide eyed stare from England. 

_Is he really– Does he not know– God I wish–_

England’s thoughts were completely scattered, and America struggled to figure out what he was trying to say.

_Ow._

At the sound of that, America’s head snapped over to stare at Austria, and the thin man had a barely concealed grimace on his face. America frowned slightly, wondering what was wrong with Austria. Maybe the man also had an oncoming headache? America could offer him some–

 _I should have never let Eliza talk me into bottoming last night. This pain is ridiculously uncomfortable._ Austria shifted his seat, wincing quietly.

America couldn’t stop it this time. He snickered, covering his mouth quickly. His body shook with his contained laughter, and he breathed harshly through his nose to try and calm down. Everyone turned to stare at him, and Germany stopped speaking in the front of the room.

“What’s so funny?” Germany asked, glaring. “You’ve been distracted since the meeting started.”

America cleared his throat. He could lie, _or…_ He could mess with them. He smirked. “Well, Roderich made me laugh.”

“How? I’ve done nothing,” Austria said, sniffing disdainfully.

“Heh. I just never _pegged_ you as the kinda guy who,” America started, and purposely stopped to savor the sweet, delicious fear in Austria’s face. He dragged his eyes from Austria’s face to under the table, then looked up and continued, “Wears different colored socks.”

Austria cleared his throat, adjusting his collar. _Why did that imbecile use the word peg? Nevermind, he doesn’t know. Keep it cool._ “I was in a rush this morning.”

America’s smirk grew. “I’m sure Roddy. I bet you just _took_ whatever life threw at ya like a champ huh?”

“What are you insinuating?” Austria hissed, face turning pink. 

Before America could drop another totally epic pegging pun, Germany had to be a buzzkill and interrupt. “America, since you seem so eager, why don’t you start us off?”

Germany sounded way too smug. America needed to knock that dude down a peg. (HAH, peg.) 

He stood up with a confident smirk, practically swaggering towards the front of the room once Germany took his seat. “I’m sure Ludwig just wants me to take charge because he has very important things to look up on his phone, like CBT–oh, I mean CBD, since you guys are working on legalizing it of course,” America said innocently, and it took everything in him to not burst out laughing at Germany’s slack jawed expression.

“What do those things mean?” Italy asked, hand raised like he was in a classroom. 

“Don’t–” Germany tried to cut in, but America was much louder. 

“I’m so glad you asked, Feli. I think you’re familiar with one of them though! CBT is cock and ba–” America was cut off by Prussia’s loud laughter.

“So you ARE into it!” Prussia said, grinning. “West, you sly dog you! Woof.”

“Get on with your presentation,” Germany gritted out. _Ich werde ihn töten..._

Yikes. America didn’t know what the heck Ludwig had said, but it didn’t sound pretty. He held his hands up in mock surrender, and plugged in his USB drive. His title slide, “Obesity? I don’t even know her!” came up on the screen and America beamed as he stood with his back to it, facing the nations.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking,” America started, then paused at his own word choice. He began to chuckle, which quickly evolved into a full on hysterical laugh as he clutched his stomach, doubled over. 

_Has he finally lost his mind? We all knew this was a long time coming._

_Maybe he’s low on burgers and cracked._

America finally slowed to a giggle, wiping a stray tear from his eye. “Sorry, y’all. Alright, now onto obesity and how we can beat this thing!”

_He has such pretty lips. I wonder what they’d look like around my cock._

America choked on his own spit as the distinct British voice entered his head. He stared at England, who had a schooled expression of indifference on his face. Maybe… Someone was pretending to be British?

_Mm. He’d choke just like that, and I’d grip the back of his head, fucking myself further down his throat and he’d take it because–_

Did this happen every time? America internally pouted, he could’ve totally asked England out years ago if he knew the man found him attractive! It’d be just like that one movie with Mila Kunis, where they start out as fuck buddies but in the end fall in love and live happily ever after.

The explicit thoughts continued, and his face turned bright red while he watched England cross his legs, eyes just slightly glazed over. The worst thing? America could feel his own pants tighten at England’s perverted thoughts. Dammit!

“Uh, uhm…” America stuttered, looking around the room. The inner thoughts of everyone in the room were beginning to fill his head at the lack of focus on a singular person, and America smacked his forehead. 

“Jesus, are you gonna faint on us?” Romano asked. Though there was concern evident in his voice, though his full attention was devoted to trying to send Germany to the lowest pit of hells with just his glare, clearly angry about the earlier conversation.

“Bathroom break!” America yelled, and wasted no time hauling ass out of the room. 

Germany stood up and walked over to the door, locking it. He looked at the other nations, serious and almost grim. “We need to get to the bottom of America’s behavior.”

“Amen to that,” Austria muttered, face still pink with embarrassment.

England stared at the door, clasping his hands in his lap to attempt to be inconspicuous. His brow was furrowed in confusion, all lustful thoughts completely vanished at America’s odd reaction to presenting. He’d listen to a few of the theories from his companions, then take a “bathroom break” of his own. 

For multiple reasons.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review if you enjoyed! <3


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